These are the days
When all that I can do is dream
But I don’t wanna spend forever
living in the in between
I’m stuck here in a place without love
And I just can’t let it stay this way
But for now I’m gonna have to face it
These are the days
-O-Town on ” These are the Days”
So, I’m back and ready to conclude this epic tale. May 20th, 2006, everything was gloomy and here I am sitting in my suit looking nervous yet attentive. I was sitting with my, as I thought at that moment, “girlfriend”, and I remember we got into a conversation as to why I like wrestling. Throughout those past few months, she had gotten to know that I was a huge wrestling fan and I told her why I enjoyed it so much. At that time, and a little less these days, I told her watching these guys perform in the ring gave me reason to space out and also I got caught in the disbelief. I liked the storylines, the logic in the stories, and even though the typical outsider might say that wrestling was “fake”, I would try my best to defend the true nature of how athletic these guys are and how much they have to grind in order to make it big. She seemed excited to be there and I could see in her eyes that she wanted worse than anyone had before. I believe the reason that she wanted to go to prom is because she always wanted the opportunity to shine and live out what high school is supposed to be about. I remember we were supposed to do our class picture one day and she didn’t show up and that left me wondering somehow. After wards, I believe she stated that she wasn’t really friends with anyone there and taking a picture with people who you don’t even enjoy being around seemed useless. We had a discussion of who was with who and we acted surprised at some of the people who were there. I clearly remember her dad giving me money so that we can buy the photo packages and I remember standing in line waiting nervously to take a picture with this girl who was driving me crazy at that moment. We went up there and she had the biggest grin and I didn’t even pop out a smile. I look at that picture now and I realize she really made herself beautiful that night and I looked worse because I couldn’t even show a smile. We waited for a few more minutes before the buses were ready to take off and we got on the bus heading for pier 39 near AT&T Park where our prom was to be held on a boat of all places. We got on that bus and all of a sudden I popped out my dad’s old cellphone to let my mom know that I was leaving. My date laughed at me because I had no cellphone at that point in time but I was happy I didn’t because no one could bother you and it felt as if you were on top of the world without one. The bus driver ended up asking a majority of our bus what they wanted to listen to and they all said wild 949 which was very popular at the time of course. We were passing by all these cool places along to San Francisco and we once again started talking about all the fun stuff that we planned to do and we were talking about baseball as well. We passed by the Grand Prix place going passed and I wondered if one day I would be able to bring her there. As I was going along, I thought to myself, how is this even possible? I have myself immersed into this one night thinking, “I better not mess up” and there was also the fact that I was acting a little nervous as well. I got calmer as we got closer and I remember seeing the 49ers stadium across and she asked me if I had ever been to a football game and up to that point I had only been to one so that was that. We finally arrived at the Pier and I saw how beautiful the night was with the clouds hanging with no end in sight for the night that was ahead of me. We got on this wonderful boat and once we got on there, I went around talking to some of the guys I knew and I think some of the fellas were reluctant to talk to me because the person I was with was big in stature and at this point in senior year, you had that feeling that no one knew who anybody else was anyway. Before that, we had no idea who to sit with and she seemed a bit upset because we weren’t matching and I venture to say that matching is something that drives me crazy because if you think something matches well, someone else will outright say that it looks terrible. Well, the truth is I didn’t care if we matched and all that mattered is that we have a great time. Afterwards, she went around greeting some people that I had never met or spoken to before in my life and I started seeing some of her friends approach her as well. I had this feeling that the night was turning out fine because then we started eating which fulfills my satisfaction. At this point, I thought about eating on a boat because you might get sick but then I realized there is no way that after this I am eating. So, we sat down and ate and then I guess that she told her buddy Melina (from pt.1) that “he still likes you” which had them laughing because they had seen me looking at them laughing. We sat and ate and thinking back now I really don’t remember much except grabbing the food and being silent for a while before we finished eating. I believe after eating we went upstairs to chat for a bit and this is where things get weird(mostly on my part). I stared at the dark night and realized after this that I won’t be seeing many of these people. My date started talking about our futures once again and she also started talking about doing her nursing at De Anza College which had me surprised because I had no idea up to that point with what I was good at. She insisted we take classes at De Anza as soon as we could and I just nixed the idea because I just wanted to take classes for the hell of it. I felt a bit emotional that night because I had tons of emotions running through my head and I couldn’t realize that this was my chance to leave a mark on high school and in this girl’s life. She started getting cold and I offered her my jacket which beforehand had not been offered because of my inconsiderate behavior at that time. I remember her friend came up and told us to come check out the dance floor which seemed not that crowded because of dumb music choices. This one song came on and we danced less than a minute with me busting out my Shane O Mac moves which is just moving my feet back forth as in north to south. She later told me “at least we tried”. We went back upstairs and we talked more about school,life, sports, my brother and his relationship, and why she insisted once again that she liked me. I particularly remember that she said that she liked the fact that I was tall and I had a little bit of meat on me which mad me proud to be a huskaroo. I also remember that she talked about that she would one day want to meet my brother’s girlfriend and I insisted that they would have nothing in common. But I remember she said “We both like someone from the Diaz Family”. She one day also wanted to see where I lived and I told her that one day she would see my home as I had been very reluctant to even bring her near my place (more on that later). So we laughed and talked the night away bringing up everything we could and the night was over. I was thinking that this was an opportunity that I couldn’t waste and it had been handed to me. We got back on the bus and I texted (for the first time in my life!) her that this was our last song which was strange because it was a fitting theme for this whole thing. I also said good night as well which made me happy deep inside. She asked me if I really didn’t want to do anything afterwards and I insisted that I couldn’t because my brother was going to pick me up and looking back, I really should have taken the opportunity to do so because that was where it all would have tipped. I gave her a big hug and warmed her up which made her happy because it was pretty chilly up to that point in the night. My brother came and I said my goodbyes and that was it for that night.
June 2nd , 2006:
This is a day that I wish I could do all over again and with good reason. It had been almost two weeks since prom and all I remember in between those two weeks is her saying that “people are going to start talking about us” and my brother taking me to an A’s game for my birthday right before Memorial Day since (1): It was a day game and I got out of school at 11:20 on Wednesdays (2) It was my 18th birthday. I had fun at the game and then my friend said clearly that we should do something for your birthday which was cool, I had no problem with that up until then. So, she comes up to me in my class and she reminds me to pick her up around 5:30 and we go to see X-Men 3 at that time. I had to lie to my parents then to cover up that I was actually going to hang with my friend, (Kevin, when in fact I had no friends named Kevin) to make it seem like I wasn’t going with this girl. I arrive at her house and I remember being fidgety as I remember her asking me what was wrong and I said nothing. That was my problem then and that is still one of my flaws I am not that great at hiding my emotions. Some people are but I just can’t control it at times. I knew something was up as I had this crazy feeling in my head that day that something crazy was bound to happen that day. I remember she ended up paying for the tickets as I could see that she was cordial in her paying for my birthday and such. We talked about the same stuff again and how exciting graduation was to be for both of us and she was also proud of me because I was turning 18. I remember she repeated to me a few times that I was fun to be around and even though I don’t believe it even now, I could see that at least I made her happy when I was there. We saw the movie which ended up being fine for what it was and I should have been acting like the “boyfriend” now but I wasn’t and now I know that is what she wanted as I noticed that she was looking the best she could that night. I asked her how much money she had because she only worked part time and of course I had no job but she wanted to take me out to eat. She said she would want to take me to Denny’s near the former Sunnyvale Town Center. I was fine with that but the problem was that I was no good with directions and she showed me how to get there. We got there, ordered our food, and then the conversation got strange. She took her sandals off, rested her feet, and then she popped the question “Why did you hang out with me” I remember saying something like we weren’t really hanging out and I considered them meetings and she called this our first “date” which really confused me now. I was going through my head, “Why did I hang out with this girl?” Did I feel sorry for myself? Was I in over my head? Did I have nothing better to do? I outright said the latter and right away you could see her expression change and that is something I wish I would not have said. They said in the movie kung fu panda that “Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery and the present is a gift” and looking back it is really true because for one you never know what days in your life may change you and what may come. After this,I said something to the effect of “I felt sorry for you” and I wish I would not have said that which almost surely turned this date into a worse one as it was going great up until this happened. We didn’t say much after but I do remember she invited me to go to the flea market but I wasn’t really up for that. Back then, I just wanted to listen to music and watch A’s games and do nothing else really and I was a little anti-social as it was at that time. So, we headed to my old ford tempo and she seemed a little dejected and I could tell why. She said something along the lines of “So, I guess we won’t be hanging much after this” and I said “why” and she said it would feel awkward but then I said I’m sure we can make it work out and still be friends,right? She said it wouldn’t feel the same since she liked me but then I got upset and said she doesn’t understand at this because in my mind I felt like I was doing her a favor and myself a favor. I haven’t told many people this before but I felt that in any line of life people talk and in my family they talk a big talk. I don’t exaggerate about that either as I was just assuming at the time and nothing more. I could see the harsh treatment that my brother’s girlfriend would get at the time from my family and the pressure my parents put on him to marry her and teach her how to be a real woman. I had a problem with this because I could see that they were being very judgmental without just reason and if they did that to my future in-law what else could they say about this girl who liked me (really?) I had the presumption that nasty things would be said because it is very disgusting to see how the drama gets when the younger generation starts dating within and outside there culture. Yes, our parents want the best for us but my huge ego at that time thought I would best be served to let this girl not get with me because I would be judged harshly and when and if we did hook up it would be difficult to see her get criticized by my family. Even now, I can still see that but now the years have passed and I know a whole lot more now. I remember just being upset because she didn’t understand why I was being the way I was and I said I couldn’t hang with her the next day and I can tell when she got out of the car she looked dejected and I cursed a four letter word when she left because I had been so stupid then and there. The next day was my birthday and I celebrated by hearing the A’s beat the Minnesota Twins by a final of 2-1 due to Eric Chavez and I just felt so relaxed because my team had won. My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said West Wing Season 6 which she gladly bought for me at my future employer ( the exact one actually!) That night of my birthday, coincidence or not, me my brother, and some of his friends hit up Moody Road and I just let everything sink in that had happened from the day before and I wondered that this was my life at this moment. I almost wanted to say thank you to everybody that was there because them talking to me and me talking to them almost made me feel like they were my friends too (some of them would become my friends later on). I felt they had a lot to share and I didn’t say much but it contributed nonetheless. The next week was graduation and I remember finals week as a blur because they were so simple for me as a senior about to graduate. I knew what had to get done and I remember talking to my friend then and asking her what graduating meant to her? She was very happy because she was almost 18 and she could maybe afford to live on her own. She also was intent on pursuing nursing while I was looking to do business. I was happy for her but seeing her in white and myself in a red gown made me feel that this was the end. Her family was throwing her a party and my buddy was having a party thrown by his family so I opted to go to my buddy’s party instead. I didn’t talk to her much when we were getting ready to walk on as I was too busy doing the messing around thing with my buddies. We sat in our seats and I barely knew half these people as I was getting ready to graduate then I went up in line to get my diploma and nobody cheered, nobody clapped, just silence. That was okay though because that was how I wanted it too. I found my family after all the seniors had thrown their caps in the air and I saw her and her family and I completely ignored her as I believe she didn’t see me. The funny thing was, when we got to our brother’s car, he left the key inside and my family waited for a little bit at the bus stop before he brought the car back. I went to my buddy’s party, had some chinese food, for got about this girl for about a week, and then one week later was when I last saw her. It was a bit strange because I was sitting at home on June, 13,2006 watching Scent of a Woman and I decided to give her a call. I asked her if it was possible t have my portion of the prom pictures back and she said it was fine and we arranged to meet around 6:30 or so. I went there, told her how I was doing and I brought along West Wing Season 3. We watched the first 2 episodes of the 3rd season and I was very intent on just watching it as she was laying down and I was sitting. I don’t remember much besides the middle when she asked me about some of the characters and why she hadn’t been invited to my buddies party? I told her it would be strange having her there and I felt not yet comfortable being around her with other people (very selfish on my part). We stayed quiet through most of the episodes and I said my goodbyes but I do remember her saying one last thing: You were a real jerk on that one night which I agreed with and still do. I stared at her,said my goodbyes, and to this day I haven’t seen her. But I did have three conversations with her on the phone about whatever. The first one kinda came outta nowhere because that day I was lost and confused about what was going on. I had just wanted to talk to somebody and her name popped into my head. My mom had just had surgery, and I was looking for an answer. I called her and she answered and I remember asking her how to make a hamburger. She told me how to and I asked her how she was doing, saying she was doing fine, and how she was ready to finally to start life on her own and that was it. The second one came about a month later when I was sitting at home on a cool summer night and she was sick. She said she had the flu and she just happened to remember that last time we had hung out and she hoped we could do it again someday. I guess she too had gotten the feeling she needed to talk to somebody after being sick. The last time sunk my heart and it defined me from then on. Sunday August 20, 2006 was a strange day because my mom and I went to the Big Red Machine to buy some supplies for the trip I was going to make to Mexico and I remember buying the Simpsons season 5 and a toothbrush. I told my mom that I thought it would be best if I called this girl and said my goodbyes. I called her and she sounded the same as she did before but this time I got a different vibe. I asked her, (again) how she was doing and she told me she had seen my buddy from high school at the De Anza orientation and I felt befuddled because I hadn’t gone for some odd reason that skips my memory now. She sounded excited and optimistic about her future as I don’t think I was at all. She told me she had signed up already for classes and she would mostly be taking early afternoon-mid afternoon classes. I was kind of sad because this is when I knew that the boat had been missed with this girl and I only got one shot at this. I told her what I had been up to during the summer as I told her about my adventure to Anaheim and LA all in the span of 6 days, although one was spent back at home. All I did that summer, was watch baseball, hang out at the mall, go to the movies, and other places as well. Those were the days as I remember telling her but she recalled how she had seen some of her siblings as well in other parts of California and I was proud to hear that from her. But, then this is when I tried to pull that classic babyface turn where I was sick of the authority figures and I just told her I was wrong and I asked her how she got me to fall for her. I asked her, jokingly of course, if her secret was in her shoe and she said it was. But, sadly I was hit with the news that she was finally seeing somebody who had dated her before but she never elaborated on him. I was hurt but then again, I said at least it was worth it. For months onward, at De Anza, at home, and other places I was just bitter and upset with love. I started going crazy on making mix Cd’s about love and feeling stupid about it. telling my cousin in Mexico this story who also said it was my fault, having those long weekend chats with anyone I can find, and I just felt lost. Christmas and other festive holidays were not so great either as school for me that first quarter felt like a drag but when I finished I felt proud to have finished my first quarter at De Anza. In January 2007, I got a call from her on a Wednesday asking if I was home and I told her that this was me. The chat seemed to go a bit more smoothly, as we talked about my inability to find a job, my school, her school, what I wanted to do with my life, her job (she was taking care of special kids at the time), food, plans for the future, and for some odd reason I just told her I wanted to hear her speak rather than me and she did. She told me about how great life was away from home, her boyfriend, her dog, and a lot of other things that just intrigued me. She said that we should get together sometime and I told her that sounded great. We ended the conversation after about 20 minutes of laughs, nostalgia, sadness, and other random thoughts. My brother asked me who it was later on and I just told him “An old friend”. To this day, I haven’t spoken to her since and I don’t think I will ever do so. But, if I did have this one last chance to see her I would do so and I could talk to her about anything as so much has happened in our lives. I would thank her for her “crush” on me because it gave me a taste of what it was like to miss that which you never had. I never had any sort of relation with her but I do miss the fact that at the same time that could have been mine. I would also thank her for allowing me into her life because I believe this was the beginning of me associating with unique characters. I have always had a set of unique friends and each of them brings something different to the table. If everyone was the same, I would hate it because no one person should be a clone of someone else. She liked bad horror movies but I didn’t and I find that in each individual we’re all set to like unique hobbies. Lastly, I am glad that she let this happen to me because I don’t think I would have gained this wealth of knowledge I have now. After high school, I fell hard and I went to school for a year without working and in that time I got to see that finding a job isn’t easy. I got rejected by almost 20 places and each time I just kept saying “I’ll try harder” but there was that feeling in my head that I was gonna end up nowhere just having my parents pay for my stuff. Who knows if I would have been able to meet all the great people I met at work, at school, in life, and other places. I am a firm believer that if I would have gotten with this girl things would be different and so much radically but drastically. For example, I would have never possibly worked at the Big Red, I would have never gotten to experience the things I did with co-workers (and friends), I would have never had a dog, and who knows if I would have been in school. I could have been a dad for all I know. I don’t what this was, if it was a test, a sign of things to come, a peaking point in my immaturity level, or who knows what it was but I guess that now I see all these guys with these girls I am a little bit more relaxed that I don’t have a girlfriend right now. I have friends that are in relationships which are rocky and/or money issues come into play. Money drives couples and I am glad that right now I am not into that. Somewhere out there, the right girl is waiting for me or maybe I am the right guy for that girl but thanks for reading this and the one lesson I can take from this:
Don’t count your eggs before they hatch!
Later
Just Another Day... 