Just Another Day…

As I sit here writing this at 1:21 A.M., I have been thinking that sometimes (actually most of the time) that I dwell on the past just a little bit too much. It may be that something horrible happened yesterday, last week, or even last year that I keep repeating over in my head. The other day I was talking to a good friend discussing why we go over the past so much in our heads. I was thinking about that then and I am thinking about now. The reason(s) may be that sometimes there are things we had little control over and we just may be a bit harsh on ourselves for. For example, getting yelled at by one of your bosses because something wasn’t done right by their standards could just be a case of that person being made to look bad. I believe that what matters is what you do in the now and in the future. Sure you may have messed up, but what matters is what you keep doing in your field rather than thinking that you may make that same mistake again. This is where something like habit may come in, which coincidentally enough, I happen to be reading a book about this right now. It brings up numerous examples of how ordinary people don’t look to think about what they are doing but rather they just do it by instinct (i.e. putting yourself in motion to run a baseball drill should come automatically). I have written numerous times of how sometimes I would like to have some great things back in my life (i.e. friends, family, memories of eating at great restaurants, and certain vices). I feel much of this is actually still quite possible because I have the personality and drive to make it happen again. It may not be now, next week, or even next month but the fact that I have found my niche in giving myself plenty of room to grow has helped a bunch. I still have a close group of friends that I hang out with (albeit less than it used to be).  What matters the most is that instead of looking towards the near future (i.e. we gotta hang out again), as a person I have the ability to make friends and for the most part create new journeys and quests.   The comparison I make is that the wrestling that I grew up on is 10 times better than what is on TV right now, but you know what? I have seen it improve over the last two years or so due to the excellent storytelling and wrestling that is provided inside the squared circle. This gives me the idea that the better the product is on TV, the more the fans get their money’s worth watching a compelling product which gives them the drive to watch it unfold on TV. I can remember applying for a few colleges back in 2011 thinking I would be up and ready to go in Fall 2012 semester, however that was not to be as my classes were not yet completed. I went on to have one of the best years of my life from January of 2012 all the way to May 2013 taking in total 8 classes in order to transfer from the junior college level to the CSU level. As I’m looking back, I met some wonderful people and I wish them all the best but right now I believe it is time for a greater challenge and that is setting foot into the realm of Psychology. I believe this major was meant for me because of so many interesting theories and ideas that come from the field of Psychology. I feel that most of the classes at the CSU level will be challenging but looking at it from a long term standpoint it will serve a greater purpose. I am so happy to be able to think that now there is very little that will stop me from achieving my goals and one of those is to further my education and take the walk towards a career. I also have found it very rewarding that before my mom and dad would do most of the work around my house but now I am helping a bit as well. The dwelling on the past piece here is that I think sometimes I may feel inclined to think ‘man those were some good times when I didn’t do anything’ but now it feels pretty awesome to help out just a little more. This can come in the form of doing dishes, washing my own car, helping outside with yardwork, mopping my kitchen, sweeping, and giving my dog a bath as well. It allows me to be productive and send out feelers for how I want to be in 5-10 years. I also seem to believe that my brother was one of the best memory makers when he used to live with us. But, now I hardly see him and when I do it is imperative to discuss what is going on in our lives and continue to create our lives around our friendship and brotherhood. When we were little kids we never thought about the future just the now and we really didn’t look at the past. Now, that I am an adult it is difficult to change the fact that I did have a past that was fun and exciting. Being an adult, you start having some health complications (if possible, in my case this true), you have bills to pay, and you have other obligations. Looking at the past is easy and I try not to look at it too much. It seems like an escape route that seems too wide of a path to cross over into. Looking at myself now and in the future, I see myself being relaxed and looser than I’ve been in a long time. A lot of this has to do with there being an extra bit of pressure to finish school at the junior college and also realizing that my real personality is that of someone who is not shy to speak to someone. Going back to my earlier point about wrestling not being what it used to be, I compare living in the past to guys in that business reinventing themselves for the sake of staying fresh and getting with the times. For example, one of the all time greats, Mick Foley, prided himself on staying fresh by adding different dimensions to his personality that he showcased in the ring. He created a character by the name of ‘Mankind’ that was brutal and sadistic in the ring. He didn’t look at the past and wonder how his previous character (Cactus Jack) would be affected but rather he was looking at the now and how he could shape himself up to be. One of his best matches happened to be against the legendary Shawn Michaels which was a beautiful 26 minute masterpiece which showcased emotion, brutality, brawling, and also an extra gist of what a man will do keep his title.   This is just but one prime example of how staying fresh and getting with the times can positively affect someone. Someone said not long ago that feeling that negative thought in your head can be poison and what this can suggest is living in the now gives someone the power to think about that negative as it is happening. This person said that imagining it can be the greatest attribute because you put yourself in a situation that can be really funny or disastrous as well. I do my best to keep my head up about a deadline I may have for an assignment and imagine the professor having a good laugh at my expense looking at me as if I’m smartest guy in the room with no idea of what is going on. I may imagine that the deadline is the next class or next week in this circumstance. This serves as great motivation to move ahead with the idea in the back of your head that you’ve done all right by your standards and by everyone else’s. Being in a state where you just look at the now is one of the most difficult processes that the mind can go through. Walking through one of the local down towns recently (and right now) you realize that your movements are so fluid and you start noticing the small details around you. The walk down town gave me a bit of time to see everything in front of me and all the water that was coming from the fountains. The birds were flying at the top of the flags asking for something or rather giving each other signals. I started noticing that just now there is a pencil that has been on my desk for who knows how long and the same CD that I play every week is positioned right next to that pencil. My water is half way full and my California roll is almost done. Little details like these can seem peaceful and zen like because nothing else matters. The objects that are ahead of you are the only ones that matter. You give yourself time to breathe and notice that things are simple and peaceful at that moment rather than everything else that is going on in the immediate future. This is what I mean by dwelling on the past. It defines us but to look back on it and wonder ‘how awesome was that’ all the time makes me think that I have little to look forward to. All I have to say is that it’s time to create memories and live in the now. Good night everybody!