Ya no me mires asi que no ves que
estoy loco por ti
ya no me jusgues tan mal
es mejor primero conversar
Cuisillos on “Ya No mires Asi”
It has been almost 4 years since I last spoke to a person that meant a lot to me at the time and every once in a while I will think back and wonder, woulda, coulda, shoulda, and I wonder wow my life could have been much different. It was a bright sunny day the day I moved from Sunnyvale in the dying days of summer which was labor day 2002. We were getting ready to move from our old apartments in Sunnyvale to a condo that our family (mostly mom and dad) had acquired that summer through a lot of intensive paper work, loans, and what not. I was a bit sad that I was moving away as I probably would not see my old friends as much as I was used to and I felt in my heart a bit of bitterness towards my parents for doing this. I remember we got all our stuff packed and my friend wanted to come along for the ride with his dad’s cousin who was helping us move but unfortunately there was no room for him. Once we got there, it felt like a whole new world with different people and new places to explore that I had to see through my years of living. However, there was one problem and that was that I had just barely started high school at Homestead High School and it was quite far from where I had moved. My parents decided that they didn’t want to take away my first year of high school so we just kept the same address at our old apartments and we would go over from time to time to check with our neighbors who had, as luck would have it, had family of there’s move in next door to our old apartment. I was glad that happened because somebody would have caught on if was anybody else but I was lucky to say the least. My first year was rough to say the very least and I was grateful that most of the time my brother would by his own will take me to school at 7 in the morning and most of the time I would just catch 2 buses to get back home which would roughly be a 9 hour day including lunch and one break. After my first year, though was when things get a bit complicated as my parents decided that it would be difficult to go to a high school that was that far away and I would have to start attending Cupertino High School which was a lot more closer to my house and a short 10 minute drive with traffic. I remember after the pre registration stuff and all the signing stuff, I was shocked to hear that my dad was the one who took the opportunity to check out Cupertino for me as I have him to thank for that. I couldn’t sleep the night before I started at Cupertino as I kept thinking in my head what kind of people am I going to meet? Who is going to befriend me? and What would my classes be like? I remember first walking into my tutorial for the morning as my brother accompanied me to a strange yet inclusive location. This was the first time I had ever had a sort of class in a trailer! It wasn’t really a class per se but rather a place where we could do homework and study. My tutorial instructor had stated at that time that she was seeing a lot of new faces. I was one of them I thought to myself. I then saw a very big girl that looked rather scary yet she was approachable when it came to talking to her other friends. I thought to myself, “damn she’s ugly” but I learned later on it’s not what’s on the outside but on the inside. Going through my first year, I saw her passing by in the hallways, the library, the tutorial class, and at times when we had P.E. in the same period but we each had different classes. I found her friend, let’s call her Melina for her sake, to be quite attractive and I always saw her as the gem of the two friends. I found myself to be constantly staring at her and I found beauty in everything she had but of course her friend at the time was nothing but a backdrop. I remember a particular incident where we were sitting in the trailer and she was touching the letters of my Eric Chavez T-Shirt of the Oakland A’s and I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t know what to say or think of it at the time. I just remembered the girl that I didn’t have my eyes on asked me if I knew this guy named Eric. I just kind laughed about it later and I was in awe of what she asked me because I didn’t know if she was talking about the shirt or some guy named Eric. So, the year passed and I became comfortable with my classmates as most of us got to know each other very well. But, after my first year I was still curious about this girl and her unorthodox size. I talked to her a little bit but I never went beyond disclosing any personal information or went deep into our conversations. I was surprised that the next year we once again ended up in the same tutorial of course due to our last names being almost identical. I saw her again but it seemed this time around she was a bit more comfortable around me. It was also to my surprise that she was in my Algebra 2 class which at the time was difficult for me because I admit that I am no expert in math. I had the same teacher as the year before and I as soon as I saw this girl in the class I felt a bit more relaxed. As the year went on, she helped me a lot with homework, questions I had, in class homework that we had at times, and there was one time in the year when we each sat next to each other. Usually, I would ask her about how her English went because we both had the same English teacher and I would be surprised at some of the funny and quirky stuff that my teacher would do because it was her first year. I liked talking to her because she was not willing to hold back anything and I started getting accustomed to asking her anything I could. She was willing to help out with anything she could and she would ask me if I had a crush on one of our classmates from Algebra but the truth was this girl I talked to was a classmate who had some funny and and exciting stuff to talk about because she was moving away to college. Back to this girl, who at this point I considered a friend, she was concerned that I wasn’t doing as well in our math class as i should have been and she was right as I admitted that math wasn’t my strong point but I did enough to pass for credit in my final semester that I took math in high school. As time went on I wondered why this girl was trying to befriend me, and I couldn’t muster enough courage to ask her why. I just talked about anything and everything I could with her. I remember talking with her about baseball, movies, music, friendship, and anything I could think of which is something I miss and I wonder what was going through her head when I was around her. The last few days of Junior year I had finals and I remember the last final of a Tuesday June 7th 2005 I had a good conversation of what was to come in my final as I felt a bit nervous as to what I could say in my speech about the Crucible. I felt confident after the conversation I had with her and I aced the speech that I did at the English final. Summer passed and it went by fast and once again I saw her again in my tutorial class. She looked the same and I told her my class schedule and she seemed a bit happy that I was in two of her classes but I just said whatever. I didn’t think about it at the time but what was to come defined me for the next two years and a half as I embarked on an epic journey. I remember the first time we hung out sort of as she invited to go eat something the 25th of August 2005 and I just jokingly said that we should go to Taco Bell and we did. I was starving really bad and she just sat there and watched me eat while we talked about the beginning of the year and my buddies that I was hanging out with at the time. I still wondered to myself why was she hanging out with me? What did I offer her? Well, after this I told her that I still had a crush on her friend Melina and she didn’t really offer anything as to what she could say other than that she smoked yet she was trying to quit. I vaguely remember that her and I had a tough time communicating because her mom was sick and she was trying her best to take care of her. I really couldn’t offer any strong advice at the time because I was young and stupid and I really wasn’t thinking about anything at the time except my future. I also remember she would not come to class sometimes because she was taking care of her mom and I understood that aspect of it. The memory I have of her is her coming in and her eyes were watery with black bags under them which sunk my heart because I knew what she was going through and I couldn’t be anything but a good friend. So, I gave her space for a while and I understood the life that she had in front of her. She had a lot to say about her dad and how much of a gung ho type of guy he was which surprised me. But something happened around the time of November, she completely disappeared and I wondered what happened to her. I didn’t have her number, I didn’t know where she lived, and I worried a bit about her. I went through my classes enamored with the career choices that could have come to me. I had business in one hand, economics in the other, and then I had English in the other hand. I had no F—— idea as to what I wanted to do with my life and these choices seemed the best at the time. I waited for the holidays to roll around and I was preparing for finals as well. After my finals, I started a new semester and there she was again. This time she looked the same but her hair was almost gone and I didn’t know what to say. This is when the awkwardness of me being silent to people started and this is one situation where I wish I wouldn’t have been like that. I remember we were doing an activity in our English class where we had to pass around a sceptre and say a passage and I remember she had to pass it to me next but the teacher just went ahead and gave it to me. It was one of those situations where I felt sad and confused at the same time. I didn’t know if I wanted to associate myself with someone like that and this started one of the times in my life where people that feel like they need someone to talk to began with me. I waited anxiously to see if she would ever talk to me because I felt she wanted to say something but I believe I had no right to talk to her because me giving her silent treatment was just me being a big jerk. Then one day she came up to me and she wondered why I wasn’t talking to her and I stuttered through my words as I came up with some lame excuse. I told her we should talk in my free period which was my 4th period and I waited like a little boy for a while at the cafeteria. I saw her and she told me what had happened to her which was her blacking out which resulted in her losing a good chunk of her hair but it seemed it had something to do with her brain. Reluctantly, she told me her mother had passed on and how her mother wanted her ashes spread which was good to hear from her. She stated that we should hang out some time and I told her that Saturday would be the best day. I remember that Saturday I had a bit of hesitation as I felt it would not be in my best interest to hang out with her. I was being very selfish at the time and I thought to myself that it was at least worth a shot. So, I gathered my stuff and headed out to AMC Mercado 20 here in Santa Clara and saw her coming out of her sister’s car. She was wearing the combination of colors of pink and black which made her significantly stand out and this is around the middle of march or so which made it even stranger because it was getting closer to high school ending. We saw the movie together and I can honestly say the movie, 16 blocks, really wasn’t mattered to me but rather spending time with this girl made me real happy. We talked for a little bit after and I kept hyping up that I had a crush on one of our classmates and she guessed who it was after many tries. She laughed about it later as she stated that this girl I liked was very childish and immature. She was right as I saw that in her classroom behavior and her demeanor towards other people but at the time that really didn’t matter to me. As time went on, we got a little bit more comfortable with each other as we talked about our futures and she started talking about going to De Anza College and start her career in nursing which I had little idea what I wanted to do. I wanted to do business at first but I lost desire for that as soon as I started (more on that later). Then, something happened and I have only told a few people about this. As the semester rolled on, she would sometimes roll out of Teacher’s Aide period to come visit me in the cafeteria. I didn’t get it at the time, but I knew from those times that something was up and the funny thing was, I didn’t even have to move or say anything. As a buddy of mine at work says, “I was just being myself”. She remarked at one time that it looked like I was losing weight and if I was trying to impress a girl which I remarked outright “No”. I didn’t understand anything at that time and I was young but one day a hint was dropped as to what was going on. I just remember the words coming out of her mouth “I may have a small crush on you.” Time stopped and I let everything sink in. The clues were all there, she said how she was always around me and always talking to me and I may be blowing my own horn here but I still don’t know if I really did anything to warrant that kind of attention. I was a good listener and I was trying to be a good friend and nothing more. The fact is, in my opinion, I never had that kind of connection with a girl up to that point. I had classmates that I talked to here and there but I never had gotten this far and it felt like a relief. Things were going through my head, and then around April or so she asked me if I wouldn’t mind taking her to prom which I did as a courtesy not as a favor. I asked my parents for the money so I could go and then I told my brother who was very excited that I was going but I didn’t know what to think of myself. I hung out with a group of guys who were awesome as friends but I wouldn’t say I would be thrilled to have them around her. That was my biggest problem and it was more of a self image thing more than anything for me at that moment. When she wasn’t around, my friends would tease me about how big she was but I never really defended her knowing that I was wrong having nothing to say. When I paid for the prom itself, I then asked my brother and his girlfriend for ideas of where to get fitted and all that good stuff. As I got fitted, I thought to myself this is really happening isn’t it? The weeks leading up were pretty interesting as well as we had to buy the extra stuff such as flowers, corsages, and of course we had to wrap up school as well. Leading up to that, I did the crazy task of actually driving to where her sister lived because she told me that she would be staying there for the weekend and bam I did that. What I didn’t mention was that the day that happened, me and some friends were going to see the latest Mission Impossible movie and I drove back all the way only to see that she had called my house as I was supposed to help her with a small report we had to do for our English class so I flaked on her. I had that problem early on when we weren’t communicating really well, and one of my buddies told me that we had to do some sketches for a project but I promised her that I would hang out with her that day but instead I opted to do the assignment instead. So, I went and saw the movie with my buddies and the next day proved to be pretty fun as well as I finally spent a good chunk of the day with her which was around the middle of May 2006. I asked my brother if I could borrow his car and he agreed but he didn’t know why I borrowing it. I picked her up from her sister’s house and off we went to the library to do some research and make copies. I can say we had a fun time that day because we joked and made stupid remarks about what prom was to bring for us but all in all I knew something good was to come from this. We did our research, I brought my laptop that day and she had her stuff and we finished up doing everything around 5 or so. I sat at her sister’s house and she was remarking about how fun prom was going to be and I agreed with her. We shot back and forth about the A’s and Giants who were pretty close to playing each other around that time. I was surprised about how much she would talk about her family and in particular her dad, who up to that point, I had never met. She remarked about how he would leave early in the morning to go see this woman he was dating and she didn’t really feel comfortable with how that was being dealt with. He would bring her home sometimes and I understood with what she was dealing with as all I could give her in that sense was provide and support. After leaving her house, I blasted the song “Corazon de Otro” which was done by the Mexican Romantic group “Los Temerarios” and I didn’t know it at the time but that song had a much deeper meaning later on. I felt confident the week of prom and I remember this girl took me to her house to show me her prom dress. Looking at the dress, it was amazing that she was willing to show this guy that had done almost next to nothing her dress. I was happy that she had chosen the color of gold and this is also the day I met her dad. Her dad was an interesting guy and he was retired either from the army or the military, (either way it escapes me at the moment). I had a bit of small talk with him and he seemed pretty cool with the fact that I was taking his daughter to prom. The date of the prom was a mix of strange occasions and occurrences. The day of the prom, I found myself watching watching the second season of the West Wing and I started patterning myself talking like that. I wanted to be slick and fast with my speech but to the point. I told myself, “if this girl really likes me, then I’ll be how I want to be.” I asked my dad that day to drive me to my “friend’s” house and he agreed as I was dressed to impress as every guy was trying to look the best he could. My dad dropped me off and I felt a bit nervous as to what was going to happen. I told my dad to drop me off and leave as soon as he dropped me off. He did just that and arriving there seemed a bit awkward. I saw her sister, her, her dad, and his woman friend. My buddy decided that she wanted to take pictures and I made the stupid mistake of not looking into the camera. I felt embarrassed for doing so and I waited anxiously for us to arrive at school so we could get on the bus and leave. Her sister drove us to the school and I remember her sister telling her that this was her night. We got there, had refreshments, appetizers, cake, and her and I talked a bit more. Sitting in the cafeteria, I realized that I was glad that I had done this but I wasn’t sure this was the best way to do so. I had been acting like an idiot up to that point to her and I had no real possible way to continue doing this the way I was, I was gonna crack at some point…
Well, that concludes part I, I thought about halfway through this that this was going to have to be a two parter so that’s what I’m doing, till next time…
Preview:
What happened at prom that night?
What happened on the day before my birthday and the reaction I got
Graduation day and what it meant to both of us
Small, but meaningful conversations I had with this girl after graduating, including one that left me shattered
and What did this mean to me?
Specifically, what path would have this taken me on, what could have it meant in the future and the present.
Lastly, if I could see her only one more time would I take the chance to say what’s on my mind? Would I really talk to her?
Thanks for reading and to conclude this part, here’s the Clash at Bond’s Casino in 1981:
Just Another Day... 